And to be honest, I think I do
At church today, I asked myself this question. It was quiet and loud all at the same time. We were speaking about Bold Prayers and being encouraged to be unafraid to expand our conception of what we believe we can ask for from God. And instead of thinking about prayer, I started asking questions about why I’m not really all in with the church? I’m about half in but why?
And then I asked myself if I felt embarrassed about my faith? About being part of a church? About being Christian? And I felt it in my gut — I did.
So instead of fighting or denying it, I let it sit. I began to process and ask “why?” why are you embarrassed?” And I immediately knew the answer in my heart. It's because of what others believe about Christians. It’s the stereotype. Christians = judgemental. And trust me, when I say I know that isn’t true in my world because the people, my friends who are Christians that go to my church are the most wonderful, kind, selfless, loving, and nonjudgemental people I have ever met. So it baffles me to the core when I hear people think this around Christians.
And at the same time, I understand because there are people out there that claim to be Christian but have so much hate in their hearts. They feel better about judging others because they are judging themselves. It’s all a mirror, isn’t it?
And here’s the thing, there is no one to blame. We are all trying our best and going through our own struggles along the way. For me, I struggle with the word “Christian” — always have. And maybe, it’s because I grew up Buddhist and both existed in the household? Or maybe, it feels like it puts me in a box to be defined without getting to know me? It’s definitely a mixed bag of feelings because I thought I don’t care what people think about me but apparently, I still do. Goes to show you we are always working on ourselves, every damn day. It’s not just a fix-it one-time situation, it’s constant.
And when others ask me about my faith, I would say, “I believe in God — love. It’s so simple. I don’t really want to put a label on it anything because it’s not necessary” This almost sounds like my dating life and that’s another story for another day but long story short. I have a problem committing; to really jump with both feet in.
I also wonder why can’t I be called Christian? As well as viewing life through a Buddhist point of view and also being spiritually connected to the universe all at the same time?? But the thing is, I can. I don’t want to choose and I know goes against Christian teachings but I can’t ignore my upbringing because it gave me my understanding as I see it. I believe God did that.
“We all want to get to the top of the mountain, we all just have different ways of getting there.”
I don’t want to be embarrassed, I want to be proud. And that’s definitely done through action — if you judge me, judge me by how I show up.
